Free college tuition (in Germany)!

Hello American students. University students, that is. You are worried about two things: One, your student loans and, two, that candidate with the orange face and yellow hair whose name I’d rather not speak. We all know who he – or rather it – is.

Should your debts mount and the orange creature make it atop our country, I have a solution. Well, I have a suggestion for a solution: Germany.

In case you’ve been distracted by all those articles about the boisterous orange man in blue suits, there has been a string of other articles recently touting my solution. I mean, my suggestion for a solution. The suggestion is to study in Germany because tuition is free and more and more classes are held in the only language you speak – English.

College tuition germany
Photo thanks Benediktv via Creative Commons

There have been plenty of articles. One here. And here. Then over here but in German (to see if you really, really want to go. Google translate is your friend and will become a close friend if you study in Germany).

The math behind this free university education is simple and, no Michael Moore, it’s not because of socialism. Not entirely. It’s because Germans aren’t reproducing. Germans are dying faster than they can make new ones – nobody’s really sure if it’s a manufacturing, parts supply or emission software (ahem) issue. But they used to make lots of Germans with – you guessed it – German efficiency and those already-made Germans are getting older and retiring. And their annual two-week, all-inclusive vacations to Spain (Mallorca!) and month-long medical spa visits to southern Germany (Kurschatten* anyone?) aren’t going to pay for themselves.

Momma Merkel (that’s Angela Merkel, Germany’s chancellor, which is kind of like a president but without a cool plane) wants you, American students, to pay for those two-week, all-inclusive vacations to Spain and month-long medical spa visits to southern Germany. How? By staying on and paying taxes after you study.

Never mind that current German work laws may not let you stay. But they could!

I’m re-learning algebra to help my kids with homework so I think the formula looks like this:

Public pensions + public healthcare = free college for over-privileged Americans

You have to solve for Americans, I think.

My plan will have you free of debt and free of orange presidential candidates in a matter of years. Sort of. Germany actually has its own orange would-be leaders (ok, she’s white) but because you don’t speak the language, you won’t be able to understand local media and see what’s going on. You’ll just exist in a student diaspora bubble of learning, beer drinking and beer drinking.

Just like in the U.S. but further away from your parents.

No free college tuition?

You don’t believe me? You say there’s no such thing as a free lunch? You’re so smart and you haven’t even finished college yet! No there’s not. You’ll have to pay your own living expenses and live in Germany. It’s tough to say which is more difficult.

You’re likely to freeze and will be subject to gargantuan breakfasts and will have to stomach capricious public officials. To name a few problems while shamelessly self-promoting this blog.

And remember, this is the same country where this was the most popular show FOR YEARS:

But: Free education and in case you didn’t catch it the first time – you’ll be further away from your parents.

You don’t need to thank me later. Funding my annual two-week, all-inclusive vacation to Spain and month-long medical spa visit to southern Germany will be thanks enough.

 

*Kurschatten = medical spa shadow. German doctors prescribe month-long visits to spas in southern Germany to cure ague, consumption and possession by evil spirits. During treatments, Germans often become friendly-friendly with other spa visitors, aka medical spa shadows. What happens in Bad Füssing stays in Bad Füssing.

 

My Jedi Wife

Germans don’t like to talk. But they love to discuss. Just turn on German TV on a Friday night. Everyone is discussing. Actually, they’re diskutieren.

And no one likes to discuss more than bureaucrats (German: Beamte).

If you run into a Beamte in their natural environment – an office – a refusal is often not actually a refusal. It’s an invitation to discuss.

My Jedi wife
Photo thanks Amira_a via Creative Commons

Das können wir leider nicht für Sie heute erledigen,” a Beamte might say: I’m sorry, we can’t do that for you today. That might be the literal translation but my wife has taught me some Beamtish and what they’re really saying is: “Give me a good reason to do that for you, if possible supported by several official-looking documents and a legal precedent or two.”

Even crazier than that statement: People actually do this and it works.

My wife is a professional diskutierer. She should be, she’s German. But even Germans should pay her to square off with Beamten. She doesn’t go into a government office to get something done. She goes in to create art. In a municipal building, my wife is a Jedi Knight among a sea of Imperial soldiers: “These are the documents you’re looking for.” (yes, I avoided the words “Storm Troopers” because, history).

Jedi at the Bürgeramt Rathaus Mitte

Shortly after the birth of our second child we moved and had to register our new address, as everyone in Germany does. This was in the days when everyone used the Internet except the German government: You couldn’t get an appointment and you couldn’t do it online or even through the mail. We had to go to Bürgeramt Rathaus Mitte and we were immediately confronted with a waiting room full of annoyed Bürger (anyone not a Beamte).

“We need to register our new address,” my wife said, rocking a baby in a Maxi-Cosi on her chest. “How do we do that?”

The woman behind the counter seemed to delight at the question. I thought because she was going to turn us down but now I know it was because it was a chance to discuss.

Photo thanks the Grafs via Creative Commons
Photo thanks the Grafs via Creative Commons

“Normally I’d give you a number and you would go upstairs and wait your turn but there’s no point. They won’t get to you today. There are too many people here.” My words sound much nicer than hers. She made it sound like we had just asked a pilot if we could fly the plane ourselves.

“I realize that, but my husband took the afternoon off and we’ve got the baby asleep so maybe we can just get a number and see what happens,” my wife said, as cool as, well, a Beamte.

“There’s no point, they won’t get to you. I’m not giving you a number,” the Beamtin replied. I’m pretty sure she hissed this. It may have even been in a reptilian language everyone knows somewhere deep in the primitive portions of their brains.

Beamten may be a different species entirely.

It incensed me. I was preparing a lambasting about taxpayers and public servants that could possibly have won me an Oscar, or maybe a Nobel Prize. But my wife raised her hand as if to say: ‘I’ve got this.’

“OK, but my husband took the afternoon off and we’ve got the baby asleep so maybe we can just get a number and see what happens. It’s our problem.” My wife, I laughed to myself, how optimistic! And dumb. I started fuming inside. It was clear this Beamtin wasn’t going to help us.

“Well,” the Beamtin said, “Do you have all the paperwork? Let me see it.”

“Oh!” I thought. “Clever trick!” I assumed she would tell us we didn’t have all our ducks in a row and send us away with a condescending smirk.

“Nice try, Frau Beamtin,” I thought to myself. “We know what we’re doing! We’ve got everything! Check mate!”

I was really proud of us.

The Beamtin took the paperwork, turned around, typed something in a computer, placed a stamp on another piece of paper and handed everything back to us.

“There,” she said, “I did it for you. Have a nice day.”

Let’s just pause for a moment. Because the moment was that good. It was one of the best in my life. Maybe even ahead of the birth of my children or the first time I saw Star Wars. I felt like we won life that day. We defeated all of Berlin.

“I can’t believe you did that!” I said as we left victoriously, new registration in hand.

“Did what?” my wife said. “Sometimes you just have to have a discussion with people.”